Did you just shit on my dick?

April 20, 2006

 Really–consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.

   Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.

   Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

   It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

   “Did you…did you just…shit on my dick?”

   I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my PENIS, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

   I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

   I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

   “BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

   I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

   She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:

   “BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

   Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

   I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

   “BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

   The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

   I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime's, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

   “OH MY GOD–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH– HOW COULD YOU– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–OH MY GOD– BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH–I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS–BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”

   She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

   The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.

6 Responses to “Did you just shit on my dick?”

  1. thief Says:

    You really shouldn’t steal from Tucker Max like this, thief.

  2. Shoop Da Whoop Says:

    That was possibly the best thing I’ve read all day.

  3. Foggarty Says:

    That is hilarious!!!! kinda bitter sweet all around but quite a good story if it is true!

  4. niggea Says:

    Hahahahaha, that’s was very funny jow!

  5. ThomasRig Says:

    What a nice tale of romance. Touching to the heart, yet sensuous in taste.

  6. MaryTenderLOS Says:

    Electricity and babies aren’t a safe mix at all. Fans would truly appreciate an original version of Ubisoft’s game for their collection. They are actually controlled with magnets.


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